I’m generally a very fearless person. But willingly and knowingly giving up some part of my being to share with someone else, acknowledging that they can do whatever they want with it, scares the hell out of me.
I don’t know what it is…and it has nothing to do with my camera breaking. I’ve been thinking about it for a while…something internally is just…void. I don’t know what’s triggered it, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how or when it left…but it’s gone.
I keep making excuses for it, like, I just need school to start or I just need to have this shoot or I’ll feel different when I’m paid but as those things happen it doesn’t really change anything. I think I still act the same to folks around me…but at times I get a weird vibe…like those twilight zone kinda movies where the person goes in a parallel universe and it’s almost the same, down to a tee…but something just feels off. I feel like, being the person I am, I’ve neglected or buried some kinda event that bothered me more than I thought, and some part of me is still dealing with it, while the rest of me doesn’t know it even exist. It’s bothering me more and more cause I think I’m feeling the effects of it being missing, and yet I have not one clue what it is.
I’m used to being weird, but actually feeling weird is just…odd.
“some people like to say “life is short, you could get hit by a bus at any moment” when really life is LONG and you probably WON’T get hit by a bus and you’ll have to live with the decisions you make for the next 50 years”—Chris Rock (via ticketsandpassports)